Common Threads: Recipient Parent Embryo Donation
Recipient Parents & The Donor Conceived Community
Sheri~Recipient Parent
Mother via Embryo Donation
Author of the children’s picture book, You Were Meant For Me
Almost 2 years after publishing the original picture book for my own son (and now daughter), I find myself learning and evolving as a mother to donor conceived children. I mean, none of us knows everything there is to know from the beginning, right? This is true of life in general, but also very apparent for recipient parents like me who never had the chance to know anyone who was donor conceived let alone comprehend the challenges they might encounter. While, it’s true we don’t “know it all” from the onset, as we do come to know and understand more on this topic, I believe we have an important responsibility as well as a unique opportunity.
The name of this Blog Series, “Common Threads” was something that came to mind as I found myself interacting more and more on social media with recipient parents as well as donor conceived individuals. I found that both the parents of young donor conceived children and adult donor conceived individuals had a common goal in their hearts, improving the lives of the next generation of donor conceived.
While it’s true that what it means to be donor conceived is unique to each individual, there are undoubtedly commonalities. The variety and complexity of each story, whether that of the Recipient Parent (RP) or the Donor Conceived Person (DC), is vast. Variables such as donation type, secrecy vs. transparency, age at disclosure & family dynamics can play a role in each person’s experience. Recipient Parents, like myself, are curious to know and understand the differences in each child’s donation story and how that may or may not be a great challenge for them later in life. I know for myself, a mother via embryo donation, I listen to the DCPs on Podcast’s like Jana Rupnow’s , Three Makes Baby and wonder if my children will experience any less challenges based on their circumstances. I listen to the stories of DCP via sperm donation in the 80’s & 90’s when secrecy was encouraged, of the those born to a single mother or two moms and their story being “matter of fact”. I think of of how it must feel to be created of a “double donation” vs. with the genetics of at least one of your parents. I think of my own children’s story of being born to me via embryo donation and wonder how the feeling is different from traditional adoption. I think as humans, we try to find similarities in the stories of others to get our own bearings & in hopes of learning and preparing for challenges on our own path.
As a parent to children conceived via donation, I find myself listening to the stories and challenges of the adult donor conceived community as a way of getting a “peek” of what may someday be going through my child’s mind so that I may understand their needs. And, although many of the stories are very different to that of my own children, one common thread remains…..there is a very personal connection to another person outside of the parents they will grow up knowing. Whether a known or, in my case, an unknown donor, this connection will be an important part of their identity.
The adult donor conceived community, the first to have a voice, is speaking up and speaking out. They are sharing their experiences and challenges. Just as one could imagine, their situations are varied as are the challenges that they face but I believe all parents raising donor conceived children can learn so much from them. For new or hopeful recipient parents it may be hard to hear the sadness and loss some in the donor conceived community experience. It may be scary to understand their desire to know their donors, but it’s so important to do just that. I want my children to grow up with a strong sense of self, and identity that they are proud of and the freedom to explore these connections. And from what I hear from the DCP, that can be heavily influenced by how the parents that raised them respond. I want to be aware of my own feelings so that when the time comes they have the space and freedom to feel whatever THEY are feeling, and I believe that “work” starts now.
I am grateful to have the insight and recognition that these other familial connections will likely be an important part of my child’s self-identity. With that information I can start now preserving or protecting those connections as well as preparing for the emotional challenges they might encounter surrounding those connections.
I encourage you to follow along as I share some of the thoughts and feelings of those in the donor conceived community. Also, please listen to the wonderful podcast, Three Makes Baby, by Jana Rupnow as well as the “Half of Me” Podcast by Alli a DCP. Nothing gives you a better look into these struggles and feelings than just listening to the DCP speak in their own voices.